Stratovania

This is something I wrote last year, partially to wrap up some loose ends surrounding Clocker and Kadj the Conjurer from Ruth Plumly Thompson's Pirates in Oz. As is my wont, I also worked in a few references to some post-canonical Oz works. It feels unfinished, though, like it needs to go somewhere else. Any suggestions are welcome.

ROBOTS OF OZ
By Nathan M. DeHoff

“And what can we do for you, sir?” inquired the Frogman, who stood at the entrance to Ozma’s throne room, where the Royal Ruler was holding court.
“I have reason to suspect you have several items that used to belong to me, as well as an old prisoner of mine,” answered the tall man in faded robes.
“Prisoner? Are you, then, a jailor?”
“Not by choice, certainly, but I was the only one willing to take this particular fellow after he fell out of favor with the people of Menankypoo.”
“Menankypoo? Isn’t that in Ev?”
“Not politically, but geographically, it essentially is. It’s where I live.”
“Then how did you get here to Oz?”
“That’s my secret.”
“All right, but you should know that magic is forbidden here in—”
“I’m well aware of that, and I haven’t practiced any magic since coming to this fine country. Well, unless you count this walking stick.”
“It’s magical?”
“To an extent. It saves up energy and transfers it to me, to keep me moving more efficiently.”
“I would imagine that’s acceptable, but you probably should check with the Ruler. One of my closest friends has a Magic Dishpan that she inherited from her ancestors, and she’s allowed to keep it.”
As soon as Ozma had finished speaking with a farmer who wanted to keep locusts off his fields, the Frogman announced Kadj from Menankypoo. The man approached the throne, where Ozma sat with the Cowardly Lion and Hungry Tiger on either side of her, and Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz just behind the seat.
“Menankypoo? That place out in Ev where people talk in flashing lights?” asked Dorothy.
“Yes, although I am not a native, and hence am incapable of communicating in that fashion. I have come here because I think you might have some of my magic in this palace.”
“I don’t see any reason why we would have taken any of your magic from Menankypoo,” said Ozma. “The only interaction we’ve had with them was to restore them after they’d been thrown in the sea by pirates.”
“I doubt being underwater affected them much. But anyway, I don’t know that you necessarily took my magic on purpose, but it does appear to have ended up here. The Standing Stick and Hardy-Hood invented by my daughter Cinderbutton, and a man with a cuckoo clock head by the name of Clocker.”
“Yes, I remember them!” exclaimed Dorothy. “Old Ruggedo brought them here the last time he invaded, and we didn’t know where they came from in the first place.”
“I’d almost forgotten about Clocker,” mused the Wizard. “I was trying to replace his bad works with good, but haven’t been particularly successful. He’s still in a closet now.”
“That seems rather cruel to a living thing,” observed Ozma.
“I do not know that he is a liv-ing thing,” objected Tik-Tok, the mechanical man made of copper, who stood near the throne. “He works on clock-work, as I do.”
“You’re both right, in a way,” said Kadj. “He’s a combination of biological and mechanical components. He was supposed to serve as a wise man for the King of Menankypoo, but his subjects didn’t much like the ideas Clocker put into his head.”
“Can you really expect much when he has a cuckoo for a brain?” asked Scraps, the Patchwork Girl.
“I’m afraid that was one of Mooj’s ideas. I don’t think he turned out too well either, although perhaps you’d know better than I do.”
“The same Mooj who turned me into an alarm clock?” shuddered the Cowardly Lion.
“Perhaps. He was a master clockmaker who worked for Smith and Tinker, who if I’m not mistaken were also the creators of your copper man.”
“You mean Jomo?” asked Dorothy.
“Jomo? Oh, yes, the coppersmith. He came to work at the firm around the same time as Mooj, actually.”
“I thought Jomo WAS Smith and Tinker,” said Scraps.
“He was a vital part of the organization, but of course he worked for Mr. Smith and Mr. Tinker themselves, before they disappeared.”
“So there WERE a real Smith and Tinker?” inquired the Wizard. “I’ll admit I’ve been confused on that point.”
“Why, of COURSE there’s an actual Mr. Tinker! His first name’s Ezra, and I met him in Kansas!” exclaimed Dorothy. “Why had I forgotten about that?”
“I’m afraid there may have been some magic at work there,” replied Kadj.
“But Jomo doesn’t USE magic!” demanded Jellia Jamb, the head of the palace staff.
“No, he didn’t, but I did. So many people were asking for Smith and Tinker after they disappeared that I had Jomo drink some of my Identi-Tea, so he and those around him would think he WAS them. After that trouble with the Nomes, though, he left for Oz, as Mr. Wainwright had done before him.”
“Did you work for Smith and Tinker, too?” asked Dorothy.
“Occasionally, although I was never an official part of the firm. I occasionally provided magical assistance.”
“I did not think Mis-ter Smith and Mis-ter Tin-ker used ma-gic,” stated Tik-Tok.
“No, which is why they needed my help. Of course, in a magical land, even those who don’t practice magic still make use of it sometimes. I mean, if you look at Tik-Tok, it takes much less energy to wind him than he has after being wound. It takes a bit of manipulation of the laws of thermodynamics to accomplish that.”
“I’ve always thought the same about people not dying here in Oz,” added the Wizard.
“Even the most non-magical of inventors occasionally needs a conjurer.”
“But I thought conjurers just did tricks, like the Wizard used to before Glinda taught him real magic,” said Betsy Bobbin, causing the court magician to blush.
“That’s one meaning of the term, as in a conjuring trick. It can also mean someone who calls demons.”
“A demon? But aren’t they evil?” asked Trot.
“That’s a common misconception. Some are, like the ones who live in the caves near the Laughing Valley, but there’s nothing inherently bad about the term. It comes from the Greek, meaning a tutelary spirit.”
“Mr. Baum did write a book about the Demon of Electricity,” said Dorothy.
“Yes, I’ve met him. In my particular case, however, while I have worked with demons, the title ‘Conjurer’ refers largely to my having studied under the Wizard Conjo.”
“I don’t believe I’ve heard of him,” said the Wizard of Oz.
“He’s very reclusive, but he also can’t help showing off.”
“Then you knew that old clock-face Mooj?” asked the Patchwork Girl.
“Yes, he worked for Smith and Tinker. He had some kind of accident while working on a clockwork project, and he somehow managed to augment his own head with clock parts. After that, he seems to have grown increasingly…odd. He became obsessed with finding a device that could regulate time itself, said to be hidden somewhere in a place called Seebania.”
“Maybe that’s why he took over the kingdom,” said the Wizard.
“I wouldn’t be surprised. He seemed to have rather…loose morals, especially after the accident. There might be some kind of inherent difficulty in mixing organic brains with mechanical ones, which could explain how Clocker became so sinister.”
“My friend, the Tin Woodman, had flesh parts replaced with metal ones, and he’s not sinister at all!” objected the Scarecrow.
“Yes, but the Emperor isn’t really mechanical, is he?” mused the Frogman. “He’s just formed of metal parts. Meddling with brains, however, could be considerably trickier.”
“My brains work just fine.”
“But they’re the only brains you’ve ever had. Remember what happened to the Glass Cat when the Wizard tried to replace her pink brains with transparent ones?”
“Yes, that was a mistake,” sighed the Wizard, “although I still think it could have worked if I’d done it gradually instead of all at once.”
“I wouldn’t try it.”
“I’m not going to, since she prevented Ozma from being kidnapped and all. I’m just not sure changing brains is a lost cause.”
“I’m not sure about that, but I do know that neither Mooj nor Clocker turned out well,” declared Kadj. “What happened to Mooj, anyway?”
“Ozma turned him into a drop of water,” explained the Wizard.
“Well, if he was continuing down the same path he had been, there might not have been a better choice.”
“He threatened Ojo, who gave me most of MY brains,” announced Scraps, “and pushed his father off a cliff.”
“Well, maybe I’d better take a look at Clocker,” declared Kadj. “Do you still have the Standing Stick and the Hardy-Hood?”
“The Stick, yes,” answered Ozma. “We gave the Hardy-Hood to Roger, the Read Bird from the Octagon Isle.”
“I suppose I don’t necessarily need it back, but it’s rather frustrating to come home from vacation and find that your cave has been burgled.”
“Speaking of mechanical people,” said the Frogman, “our next case is that of Ozwoz the Wonderful, who has 2000 magically controlled wooden soldiers.”
“What an odd coincidence.”
“That’s how things sometimes are in Oz,” confirmed the Wizard.
A man in sharp Gillikin clothes, with a broad-brimmed feathered cap, a long cape, and a rakish mustache, entered the room, where he was shown by the Soldier with Green Whiskers to a seat facing Ozma’s throne.
“Salutations, my fair young Queen!” said Ozwoz politely, doffing his cap to his monarch. “I understand you called me here to discuss some matters with my army.”
“Yes, from the information we’ve gathered,” began Professor Wogglebug, as he walked back and forth before the Gillikin’s chair, “you have been practicing illegal magic, and having hostile intentions toward travelers, as per your attempts to have your army of wooden soldiers fire upon the Princes of Pumperdink and Regalia, and the Red Jinn of Ev.”
“Oh, yes, but we got on quite well afterwards. We even traded, and I find my never-empty cookie jar to be quite useful when I’m working and don’t have time to get a meal.”
“But only because they had magical protection to keep themselves from being shot full of holes! Not everyone who comes by your home has that, I’m sure.”
“To be fair, not many people come there at all, and those who do leave promptly without my soldiers firing a single shot.”
“Is it really necessary to have your own personal army?” asked the Scarecrow.
“Perhaps not necessary, but well within my rights, and a useful precaution in case of thieves or invaders. Many countries in Oz have their own standing armies, and I have heard nothing of your trying to disband them.”
“But those are countries with their own populations, not just one person!” objected the Wogglebug.
“It is still my own inherited territory, and the population is not strictly relevant. Consider it my own personal country, Ozwozia, if you wish. Besides, if you consider the army itself, the population is 2000.”
“2001, counting you, right?” questioned the Scarecrow.
“No, as I gave my vanguard soldier, Johnwan, to Prince Randy. Perhaps I shall make another, to keep the number round, but so far I have not felt the need.”
“I prefer square numbers, myself,” put in the Woozy, who had just awakened from a nap.
“By my cal-cu-la-tions, that would re-quire Oz-woz to ei-ther give a-way a-noth-er six-ty-three sol-diers, or make an add-i-tion-al twen-ty-six,” said Tik-Tok.
“I don’t know that your wooden soldiers really count as a pop’lation,” stated Dorothy.
“Do you consider your own mechanical man to be a citizen?” questioned Ozwoz.
“Well, yes, but he thinks and talks and acts. If your soldiers are all like Johnwan, they only do what they’re ordered to.”
“I am on-ly a ma-chine, and do what I am wound up to do,” said Tik-Tok, “but I app-re-ci-ate your ac-cep-tance of me as part of Oz-ma’s court.”
“You’re not only a machine. You’re our friend!” exclaimed Betsy, giving the copper man a hug.
“And you can’t appreciate anything unless you have feelings,” added the Shaggy Man.
“Mere-ly a fig-ure of speech, I as-sure you.”
“I think he’s embarrassed,” remarked Trot.
“Even if your army can be legally excused, there’s still the matter of your practicing illegal magic,” continued the educated insect.
“I am, as I have explained before, a Wozard, and there are no laws against wozardry in the Land of Oz.”
“That’s the sort of legal loophole that’s common in the Outside World, but we try to avoid such things here,” said the Wizard. “The practice of magic is illegal without a license, regardless of what it’s called. Besides, what IS a Wozard?”
“Why, the practice of wozardry, a sort of thaumaturgical art that specializes in the manipulation of matter and energy for the purposes of maintaining control over…er, the nature of reality and the safety of…humanity?”
“You just made it up, didn’t you?” asked the Patchwork Girl, pointing at the Wozard.
“Not entirely. I found the term in a book, referring to the Prince Ozmonga, whom I believe to be a relative of mine.”
“And you’re sure that wasn’t just a mistake?” asked the Wogglebug.
“A bug, if you will,” said the Scarecrow, earning him a frown from the Professor.
“I examined it with a spelling spell, and it said it was a real word,” said Ozwoz.
“Which means you WERE practicing magic,” said the Scarecrow.
“A perfectly acceptable bit of wozardry.”
“Which you still haven’t really defined,” said the Wizard.
“And you just decided you were a wizard, didn’t you?”
“I, ahem, suppose that’s true, as I was using the term before I knew any actual magic. Once I learned it, the title stuck.”
“And what makes your wizardry different from, say, your mentor Glinda’s sorcery?”
“It’s a bit of a gray area. I have learned that many who consider themselves wizards specialize in scientific magic and the use of tools and machines, but that’s not always the case.”
“Then you can be a wizard without knowing exactly what one is, but I can’t do the same as a Wozard?”
“Then wozardry is only different from wizardry because you SAY it is?” asked Jack Pumpkinhead. “Then couldn’t anyone practice magic if they came up with their own name for it?”
“If it comes to that, other places in Oz have magical properties and practitioners. Randy’s Kingdom of Regalia has a prophetic amethyst ball, and a sage practiced in scrying. Blankenburg has its water of invisibility. The Kingdom of Patch has its Spool of Succession.”
Scraps groaned at the mention of this item, but let Ozwoz continue. “The King of Bear Center has both a magic wand and a magically powered pink bear.”
Trot began saying, “He did get the wand from the fairies, which is—"
“And the Yips have a magic dishpan.”
“That DOES happen to be a family heirloom,” said the Frogman.
“I have magical heirlooms as well. And I feel that, as the ruler of Ozwozia, I have the right to my own magical possessions and my standing army. My experiments have harmed no one.”
“But the bullets could,” said Betsy.
“They are for self-defense. I’ve never tried to invade another country, unlike, say, the Queen of Oogaboo.”
“You seem rather well informed for a recluse,” stated the Cowardly Lion.
“Oh, I keep up with the news, as best I can.”
As this had about wrapped up the testimony, Ozma began deliberating with some of her courtiers, while the Wizard asked Ozwoz, “By the way, do you have any knowledge of clockwork?”
“My soldiers operate in a different manner, but I have studied it somewhat. Why do you ask?”
“Assistance with altering the mechanical man made partially by Kadj here.”
The Conjurer and the Wozard followed the Wizard into his laboratory, where he opened the closet holding the now motionless Clocker, a man about twelve feet tall with a wooden head and clock face. As he had a fleshy outside dressed in fancy clothing, opening him was a task the magic-workers were a bit squeamish about, but Kadj was able to do so with a switch on his back. Once the three of them began looking around at the Clock Man’s inner works, they all competed with each other to find things they could improve. The Conjurer removed a few extra screws he found in the shoulders, thinking they might be making the man screwy. The Wizard tightened a few bolts and replaced the rusting mainspring, although Kadj had to help in shaping it properly. Ozwoz used some of his All-Purpose Polish on both Clocker’s head and as much of his insides he could. He also insisted on making a remote control device, in case an emergency shutdown was required. As they worked, the Wizard wondered aloud how many more mechanical people there were around.
“Smith and Tinker built another partially organic person, smaller than Clocker here, although I don’t remember what happened to him. There’s also the Giant with the Hammer that the Nome King bought. I’ve heard tell of a cast-iron giant made by King Scowleyow, but I have no idea how it ran. I’ve also heard tell of a whole tribe of mechanical people in the Deadly Desert.”
“Well, what do we do with the cuckoo?” inquired Ozwoz. “Give it something to eat?”
“What do cuckoos eat?” asked Kadj.
“Chocolate cereal?”
“I don’t think a mechanical bird would eat anything,” pondered the Wizard. “Still, it couldn’t hurt to give it some of my special nectar, good for curing throat maladies and sour voices.”
The magicians wound up the Clock Man and closed up his body, and then waited as the minutes ticked by until it was three-fifteen. The cuckoo popped out of Clocker’s forehead and handed a slip of yellow paper to the Conjurer, which read, “I am completely operational, and all my works are functioning perfectly.”
“Hmm, looks a bit sinister to me,” observed Kadj.
“What, being polite and formal is sinister now?” objected Ozwoz.
Ozma, who had finished deliberating, told the Wozard that, thanks partially to his service in helping to repair Clocker, she would not punish him for his past use of magic, and that he would be allowed to keep his soldiers, provided she never use them to attack anyone without proper cause. He would, however, be forbidden to practice any magic, no matter what he called it, at any time in the future without proper express permission. Ozwoz figured it was the best he could hope for, and returned to his Gillikin home. Kadj wrapped a cloak around himself and Clocker and leapt into the nearest fireplace, making them both disappear in a puff of smoke.

THE END

I'm sure it's not polite to mention it, but today is my birthday. Guess how old I am.

I've written before about L. Frank Baum's recurring usage of that number. Unfortunately, it's also the number of our president-elect, because for some reason the precedent was set by Grover Cleveland for non-consecutive terms to count as separate presidents, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Beth's birthday was on Friday, and we spent a lot of it driving.


On the Saturday before last, Beth wanted to go to a place she'd just found out about on the Internet, the American Treasure Tour in Oaks, Pennsylvania. We drove there with her mom and uncle. It's located inside a warehouse building, and is the collection of one particular person who prefers to remain anonymous. It fills two rooms, one for musical instruments and one for toys, although there's a lot of overlap and a fair amount of stuff that doesn't fit either category. Much of the music room is dedicated to self-playing instruments, like player pianos and band organs.

One organ played "Dancing Queen," and I would have thought their era would have been largely over by the seventies, but I think I've occasionally heard even newer stuff on carousel organs.

It also has a lot of dolls and dollhouses, and some miniature sets of scenes from movies, including a few Oz-related ones.

The toy room also has a Tin Woodman and Munchkin Mayor.

One part of the music room had a lot of phones.

There's a lot of old advertising stuff, and items and displays from stores, restaurants, and circuses.

A giant jack-in-the-box from Kay-Bee Toys contains a soldier who calls himself Mr. Kay-Bee, and sings songs. Kay-Bee was still around in my younger days, and they still used toy soldiers as mascots, but I didn't know any of them had names.

One part has a bunch of Coca-Cola polar bears, and another some RCA Victor dogs.

And there are some interesting pairings with stuffed animals in the seats of cars and motorcycles, some toys and others ones made to drive on actual roads.

Could you really trust Foghorn Leghorn to drive a tractor, or Dopey from the Seven Dwarfs to fly a plane?

Did Yoshi run away, so Mario had to ride a horse instead?

And what do Kermit and Petunia think of Miss Piggy and Porky Pig taking a drive together?

This car with the Burger King and Ronald McDonald (or at least their heads) hanging out together does look official, though.

An early Chuck E. Cheese animatronic gave the mouse a gruff New York accent, which I don't think he had in the more recent commercials I recall seeing.

And R2-D2 was hanging out with some cotton candy and popcorn robots.

There's a tram tour around much of the toy room, and the driver has to turn very sharply in narrow passages, so I'm glad I'm not in charge of that. This lumberjack and giraffe were in a different part of the warehouse complex.


Last Tuesday, Beth and I saw Ben Folds at a venue near where I work, which was convenient for me.

His opener was Lindsey Kraft, who also played piano and had a pretty similar style.

Her performance was pretty loose, with her telling the story of her relationships and other life events, sliding casually into the songs.

Ben played one set, and then had another that was all requests delivered by paper airplane. I know not all of them made it to the stage, as I saw a few lying on the floor, which is a shame. I threw one of them that landed near me, but not hard enough to get it to the front, and I don't know whether anyone else passed it along. Ben commented on how a lot of the requests were for mellow songs, and there were also several for stuff he did for movie soundtracks that he couldn't remember anymore, including the cover of the Clash's "Lost in the Supermarket" for Over the Hedge. At one point, he attempted a Bruce Springsteen cover that turned into "Sweet Caroline" when he thought his voice was sounding more like Neil Diamond. They do both have similar vocal tones. This show was seated, but it was all folding chairs. We have tickets to see Franz Ferdinand at the same place later on, and it's standing room only.

This past weekend, we went to Pennsylvania to see my family. Before we got to my dad's house, we ate at Fuddrucker's for the first time in a while. There used to be one near Beth's mom's house, but it closed down years ago. On Saturday, we went with my dad and his wife to Columbia, and visited a museum that used to be a church.

They had a large train set, and a guy working there told some ghost stories.

Another place nearby was showcasing some sculptors from Baltimore.

And we drove to a nearby overlook above the Susquehanna River.

That evening, we had dinner with my brother and his wife and son. It's my nephew's seventh birthday tomorrow, and I don't see him very often. He's still very energetic, and I don't think he gets that from our side of the family. I still need to get him a present. The next day, we got frozen yogurt with my sister, and I briefly saw my mom, who's not doing very well right now. My brother gave me a Baby Fozzie Bear from McDonald's in the eighties, and my sister a pack of Wizard of Oz trading cards and the Switch version of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. I have the GameCube version of that, but our GameCube is still at Beth's mom's house. And this morning, Beth gave me Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age, also for Switch. Not all of my presents for Beth have even arrived yet, and her birthday is over already.

Two weekends ago was Monster-Mania. The problem is that we usually spend most of our time there at the question-and-answer panels, but due to the writers' and actors' strikes, people weren't allowed to discuss their work. They could still be there and sign autographs, but there weren't any panels. Beth had already paid for it, though, so we still went, but didn't spend a lot of time. We walked around the dealer rooms and bought some drawings from an artist named Jen Tracy. She got a haunted one, and I got Tik-Tok.

I also thought her Medusa drawing, which we didn't buy, was really cool. And we watched part of a game show called Curse Your Luck, a play on Press Your Luck with horror movie characters instead of Whammies.

There was a trivia part, but it was difficult for the audience to play along. The screen was too small to read, and the hosts didn't finish the questions if a contestant answered them before they were done reading. We did learn that Friendly's has the mini mozzarella sticks again, at least at the location we went to, although Beth says they taste different than they did before. It's hard to tell, as it's been so long, but I think I got what she meant.

This past Wednesday, we went to Playland, where we both felt kind of sick after going on some pretty tame rides. Beth swears by motion sickness pills, and thinks the ones I bought just weren't up to the task. I also bought more pizza than we could finish, because I wasn't sure how big the personal ones were. And I'm usually capable of eating a lot of pizza. But anyway, it was pretty fun, but there wasn't anything new, although I think it was the first time we rode Catch a Wave. There used to be something quite similar at Clementon Park, where it was called the Falling Star.

I mentioned last year that the Derby Racer seems slower now, and one of the employees confirmed that, although he didn't know the reason why that happened. His guess was that there was an injury. I also mentioned the Old Mill, actually the first thing we rode on our first visit to the park, but I didn't talk about the sign that says it has a "dark and forbidding atmosphere."I guess things have changed since 1929, and dragons aren't as scary when they audibly creak anyway.

I always like to take pictures from the Ferris Wheel, and I guess it's a good thing I'm calm enough about it now, because I used to get really nervous when that kind of ride (not this particular one) would stop at the top to load more people. I'm still kind of scared I might drop something, though.


We've been watching the new Futurama episodes, and from what I've seen and the descriptions of the ones that have yet to air, it kind of seems like they're overdoing the commentary on current events. They've always done that, but not quite that often. I'll wait until I've actually seen the entire season to pass judgment, though. Also, I downloaded the Steam version of Final Fantasy X some years ago and decided to check it out this weekend. There's a guy who ends up 1000 years in the future and befriends a guy voiced by John DiMaggio, which is pretty familiar. I'll probably write more about the game once I've gotten a little further into it or it becomes too frustrating for me to want to continue, as FF8 was.


Finally, tomorrow is Ozma's birthday. How are you going to celebrate?

The weekend before last, Beth and I went to South Jersey, where we saw a movie and went to her cousin-once-removed's fourth birthday party. I don't have much to say about it, but the food there was good. And on Tuesday, we visited a ghost town in New Jersey, but we didn't see any ghosts. Or are you not supposed to be able to see them? I don't know.

The town was called Feltville, because it was founded by a guy named David Felt, who owned a mill at the bottom of the hill, somewhere in the general area of this brook.

There are a few houses that have been preserved, as well as one gravestone that predates Felt, but the mill itself is long gone.

I understand they sometimes rent out the barn for events.

The town was abandoned more than once, the last time being in the 1960s. Several people were walking their dogs there, and at least two of them weren't even on leashes. We also saw Lake Surprise, which was nearby, but we'd prepared for it so the name wasn't accurate for us. We ate dinner at a diner in the area, and ice cream at a place called McCool's. I wonder if it was named after Fionn. I didn't notice any Salmon of Knowledge flavored ice cream, but the polar bear in the window might well have liked that.

I had strawberry cheesecake flavor, which I remember liking as a kid but hadn't had in years. I think it's too aggressively sweet for me now.

We have our reservations and flights planned out for OzCon at the end of July, and I've reread The Cowardly Lion of Oz, which is one of the themes of the convention this year. The other is Oz in animation. Is there anything I should watch beforehand? I believe the Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz series geared toward young kids is only available if you pay for Boomerang. Is the Lion of Oz movie any good? I haven't read the book it's based on either, but I have heard the feature is better than the book. I've also written something for the program book, and I'm supposed to write a quiz. That shouldn't be too hard, but I also have to come up with some kind of prize.

We've been giving Reagan fluid subcutaneously for her kidneys. I don't know if it's related, but in the past few days she's been walking awkwardly and hasn't been jumping. We'll have to take her to the vet if this keeps up, but I'm hoping it won't come to that. It's expensive having senior cats.

I guess I'll write about what I did for Christmas, because I'm sure everybody wants to know. On Saturday, Christmas Eve, Beth and I met my family (my mom, sister, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew) at Jimmy John's in Pennsylvania. This place isn't affiliated with the sandwich chain, and I think actually predates it by a long time.

I'd gone there several times when I was a kid, but not in a long time. Their main thing is hot dogs, and they have thick skins, which took me a little getting used to but I got to like them. They have several model trains set up in the place.

And they sell Desert Storm trading cards, which seems kind of bizarre to me, but what do I know?

All of the presents I gave my nephew Calvin were bug-themed, and my sister gave him a bug thing as well. That was kind of a strange coincidence. I received a Wizard of Oz board game and a DVD of the two Tom and Jerry/Wizard of Oz crossovers. I'd heard about them a while ago, but have never seen them. That evening, we drove through the Night of Lights at Creamy Acres, along with Beth's mom, Uncle John, and cousin Dorothea. I prefer doing that on a wagon, since you really don't get as good of a view in a car, and it's much harder to take decent pictures. They were only running the wagons on certain days, however, and that particular day was so cold that I wouldn't have wanted to ride in one anyway.

The previous night, my fingers had gone totally stiff while I was trying to put air in my tires. Then we watched some Christmas-related television, which I already wrote about.

Presents I received on Christmas Day included the first volume of Kirby Manga Mania, Kirby: Planet Robobot for the 3DS, Edward Einhorn and Eric Shanower's adaptation of Euripides' Iphigenia in Aulis, and a little book of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, which was...kind of a joke, I think? I'm still not entirely sure. Beth gave me Kindle versions of some books about fairy tales, and today I received some other things from her, a T-shirt with Luigi and some Koopa Troopas, a Mario star light, and a stuffed Polterpup. I also got a Porcupuffer from my brother.

I think the cat in the picture is for Beth, through process of elimination, but it's there anyway because it's cute. Maybe someday I'll be able to get all my Mario stuff organized, but we don't have a whole lot of room.

I guess I have a few things to write about here. On the last day of April, Beth and I went to Coney Island.

We rode the Cyclone and ate at Ruby's. I had jumbo shrimp, and the mozzarella sticks were surprisingly good. Not as good as some, but still good.

And, a week ago today, we saw Tori Amos at Kings Theatre in Brooklyn.

We had seen Ben Folds play there back in 2017, and at that show as well as this one, the balcony had a lot of empty seats. The pre-show music included a lot of sea-related songs, including two Beatles songs with Ringo on lead vocals, and Beth suggested this might have been to coincide with Ocean to Ocean. But then, we don't actually know who chose the music. The openers were Gracie and Rachel, who are considered chamber pop, which I didn't know was a genre but that does fit what they played. One played keyboard and the other violin.

One of their songs was a plainsong version of Kreyshawn's "Gucci Gucci," and they said she went to high school with them in Berkeley, California. That said, I can't say I was familiar with the original song. Tori was supported by a drummer and bass player, as is pretty standard, although we've seen her do solo shows a few times.

She played "Black-Dove" and "Past the Mission," which are favorites of mine. When she did "Take to the Sky," I noticed she didn't do the high parts. That's forgivable, but I kind of noticed it because we recently saw Sparks, and Russell Mael, who's quite a bit older, can still hit the high notes. She also played a bit of "I Feel the Earth Move" in the middle of that song. During "Josephine," the stage lights formed the French flag.

On the way back to the subway, a girl told Beth she liked her shoes, and we tried to remember when the last time we saw Tori was. It looks like that was also in 2017.

Sunday was L. Frank Baum's birthday, and I attended an online event celebrating that the previous day. I even did my own presentation. I had missed the last International Wizard of Oz Club event about games, which is up my alley, but that was the day we were at Coney. Sunday is also when I decided our cat Reagan's birthday is, since we don't know the real date. Regardless, we're pretty sure she's sixteen now.

Sunday was also when Kevin Maher presented a collection of video clips dealing with carnivals and amusement parks. There were a few from the Simpsons episode "Bart Carny," including the bit with the crappy haunted house, which I love. The collection included both Freddy Cannon's "Palisades Park" and the alternate version he did of it for a Kennywood commercial. Also included were the part of Charlotte's Web with Templeton singing about the fair; a Tunnel of Love bit from a Popeye cartoon; Spider-Man fighting Dr. Octopus on Coney Island; Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman battling on a roller coaster (I've been watching this series, but haven't gotten to that episode yet); a scene from Roller Coaster, which we haven't seen but we know Sparks did the soundtrack for it; and another clip I vaguely recognized that turned out to be from Darkman. It ended with the way too long vomiting scene from Problem Child 2. I kept thinking of other things that could have been used, but obviously it couldn't include everything.

OzCon International is only one day (and the previous evening) this year, but we're still planning on going there, although we haven't made the arrangements yet. We're also going to Disneyland for a few days.

This weekend, we visited Beth's mom and uncle in New Jersey, then my family in Pennsylvania. We hadn't seen each other since before Christmas, so we gave them the gifts we'd gotten for them, except my sister's present hadn't come yet. For my nephew, I found a cute-looking board game and a Tyrannosaurus that eats Play-Doh and belches. Kind of gross, but little kids love that kind of thing. And my mom seemed to like the wren-shaped planter I bought at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. We got an Olive Garden gift card from my sister, and my mom gave us some food. So did Beth's mom, for that matter. Someone had also found my old Garfield hand puppet, although he needs to be cleaned.

Beth recognized it as an early design, since his eyes don't overlap.


The night before that, we watched The Sparks Brothers, a documentary on the band Sparks, which Beth has recently gotten interested in. She's recently gotten music by them and by Harry Nilsson, both of whom Neko Case covered on her 2009 album. She covered Robyn Hitchcock on the one after that, and I'm a fan of his, but Beth doesn't care for him. Anyway, Sparks is a band that's been around since the early seventies, but I'm mostly unfamiliar with them, and their music seems like something I would like. Beth has noted some similarity to They Might Be Giants, especially with Ron being the more introverted, esoteric one, sort of like John Linnell. I've never known Linnell to have a Hitler mustache, though. They've also worked in a lot of styles, used synthesizers quite a bit, and their lyrics are funny without totally veering into novelty stuff. Weird Al appeared in the documentary, and his "Virus Alert" was a Sparks style parody, although I didn't know that when I first heard it. His earlier song "I Remember Larry" was done in the style of Hilly Michaels' solo work, and he drummed for Sparks in the 70s. I just haven't had the opportunity to listen to music like I used to. I've started listening to a few podcasts recently, and those are even more difficult to find the occasion to listen to, as they require more attention.

I feel like I haven't accomplished much recently, and I mean in terms of stuff I do for fun. I haven't been writing anything except blog posts, and even in terms of video games I've mostly been playing ongoing ones (Animal Crossing: New Horizons and The Sims 4), so there's no real progress. I did make it to Shangri-Spa in Paper Mario: The Origami King, and having Kamek as an ally is pretty cool.

On a whim, I started making notes on Ozian family trees, basing them on whatever references I could find, including some pretty obscure ones. Joe Bongiorno's Lost Histories from the Royal Librarian of Oz gives family relations for some of the early rulers in Oz, both ones from the books and newly invented ones. I actually read something the other day about how it's common for fantasy writers to do too much worldbuilding as opposed to actual stories, and I'm not even inventing my own fantasy world.

I think I've already mentioned that my work has gone back to being fully in the office, and there's no indication that they'll bring back remote work despite the increase in COVID cases. I'm probably not as worried about that as I should be, but I do think that, practically, the government in general has stopped even pretending to care about health issues. Dr. Fauci even admitted that the CDC reduced necessary quarantine time because it was hurting business, even though you can't have business if everyone is sick. The only real concession is that we still have to wear masks, which is a good idea if we're required to go to public buildings, but wouldn't it be easier if it weren't necessary to do that so often? Wearing a mask in public was a lot less of a hassle when it was only for an hour or so per week. But when I say that, I still went grocery shopping back when there was a stay-at-home order (really more of a stay-at-home suggestion), and the employees there still had to go in to work and wear masks. No one really seems to be enforcing social distancing anymore, and that probably should be a thing even when there's no pandemic. That said, I never much liked the term; it comes across to me (and probably nobody else) as kind of pretentious. I've seen some people online insist that Biden isn't doing any better than Trump was at fighting Coronavirus; apparently these people forget that the last president insisted it was a hoax and/or a Chinese plot. But it is true that Biden is part of the same system that works to maintain the status quo. While Democrats are better than Republicans in this respect, it still doesn't seem to be a major priority for them; it's more "Let's get things back to normal" than "Let's make sure we're better equipped to handle such things in the future." The news I see suggests the government is more worried about inflation and supply chain issues, even though those things have to be exacerbated, if not outright caused, by much of the workforce getting sick and/or dying. I don't have a lot of sympathy for the anti-science crowd that tries to insist masks and vaccines don't work, but there need to be societal solutions as well as individual ones. It's like, there are definitely reasons to be suspicious of authority, but telling people to take basic safety precautions are not among them. Putting business over health is such a reason, but as far as I can tell, nobody is even trying to hide that.

Yeah, I know the title doesn't rhyme, but "horse" doesn't rhyme with "cross" the way I say it, either. Yesterday, I drove down to Asbury Park with Beth, and it was a lot more crowded than I suspected. I guess everyone wants to go to the beach, or "down the shore" as they in those parts. There was also a show at the Stone Pony that evening. We've been there before, but not in years. The last time was when we saw They Might Be Giants at that venue.

We've been watching The Sopranos, and the boardwalk is where Tony's dream where Big Pussy is a talking fish takes place. It's easily recognizable from the part where the boardwalk goes through a tunnel; you probably know what I mean if you've been there.

We didn't see any talking fish, but we did visit the Silverball Retro Arcade. Actually, I'm getting ahead of myself. We had to park really far away from the beach because all the lots were full, but the bright side of that is that we ended up parking on the street and didn't have to pay. We checked out a Cuban restaurant near there, where Beth had a really big Cuban sandwich and an empanada, and I had a ham and cheese sandwich. Yeah, kind of boring, but I'm not that adventurous with food. It had Swiss cheese, which is too sour when it's raw, but pretty good when melted, which it was. The arcade place was interesting. There's a fee to get in for a set amount of time, but all the machines are free to play once you're there. Each one has a description accompanying it.

While mostly pinball, there were a few classic arcade machines, including Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr., Super Mario Bros., Centipede, and Millipede, plus one with a bunch of different games.

You probably know by now that I'm deeply invested in video games but not actually good at most of them. I did play a bit of Dig Dug. I had to try out the Wizard of Oz pinball machine, which was very elaborate.

The thing is, since you have to keep your eyes on the ball, you can't really pay much attention to what else is going on. Or at least I couldn't. That seems to have been the trend when the machine was made.

Beth tried one called Fun House, which they talked about on an infomercial for an arcade machine warehouse in Pennsylvania. It has this weird dummy head you can hit the ball into. Speaking of The Wizard of Oz, that infomercial referenced the bit with the Wicked Witch of the West and the hourglass multiple times. I also found it fascinating that old pinball machines tried to simulate other games, like baseball and horse and car racing.

There were a few shuffle alleys as well, but they all seemed to be out of service, unless I just couldn't figure out how to start them. After that, I had a peach water ice, and I haven't had water ice in a long time.

I have jury duty tomorrow. I've been summoned many times, but never been selected for a jury. I just hope I don't have to go in that many days, as we were considering taking a trip next weekend. It should at least be a good opportunity to get some reading done. I just got Phil Lewin's new book, The Spellcasters of Oz. I can't bring my Kindle, though, so I suppose I'm limited to physical books. I've been feeling kind of restless recently; there are a lot of things I COULD do, but I haven't really been in the mood. I just bought Super Mario Odyssey when I heard the price went down, and there are a few other games I own that I want to check out, but I'm already in the middle of some others. I've already established that I'm not good at action games, but Odyssey looks so impressive that I kind of want to at least give it a shot. I had a dream last night about trying to finish a game that I think might have been Dragon Quest IX, although it didn't actually look like it. That really IS a game where I reached the final boss years ago but never beat him, though.

We'd been planning to do the Creamy Acres Night of Lights for a while, but positive COVID tests got in the way of that. Last weekend, everything worked out all right, so we finally went. Due to social distancing restrictions, we drove through instead of taking a hayride. As such, I was only able to get pictures from my side of the car, and a lot of them came out blurry.

I know Beth took a few other ones, but I've been having trouble transferring pictures.

On Monday, we did some shopping at the Nintendo store in Rockefeller Center, and saw the tree while we were there, albeit from a distance.

Then, on Tuesday, I attended a virtual get-together with Michael Booth and some other Oz fans, which was fun. A few people read some of L. Frank Baum's Christmas-related stories.

We spent Christmas at Beth's mom's house, but it was just the two of us and the two people who live there, so I don't think it counts as a superspreader event. (That term doesn't even really sound bad. It just sounds like people are trying to see who can butter their bread the fastest.) Stuff I received included three Carl Barks collections, a book of art from the Mana series of video games, a copy of Vampires and Oz, Robyn Hitchcock's Perspex Island, Janelle Monae's The Archandroid, and Mario and Luigi: Paper Jam.

We also got a new kettle, as our old one just stopped whistling this week.

Beth was telling me about how Christmas Day is always disappointing after the buildup, and while it's not as bad for me, it does kind of fizzle out. For me, I guess I kind of feel on holidays like I'm supposed to be doing something special, so I feel a little guilty when I just do the same stuff I do every day, although I generally do anyway. We're probably going to visit my family next weekend, but I haven't made any specific plans.

I'm still playing through Dragon Quest XI for the Switch. I finished what I guess is the main game, defeating Mordegon and seeing the credits, but there's still more to do. Basically, you go back in time and try to fix the mistakes you made the first time, and also beat the evil being behind Mordegon.

I finished the first challenge in Drustan's Labyrinth, but haven't managed to take out the powered-up Arboreal Serpent. The only other Switch game I currently own is Paper Mario: The Origami King, which I started but haven't played much of. There's still a fair amount of DS/3DS stuff I need to get back to.

This is something I wrote maybe five years ago, and posted it on Jared Davis' now-defunct Oz fan-fiction forum. 'Tis the season, so I'm sharing it again. It combines some elements of L. Frank Baum's The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus and Ruth Plumly Thompson's The Curious Cruise of Captain Santa, and also tried my best to fit Krampus into Ozian mythology. The Bell-Snickle from John R. Neill's The Scalawagons of Oz also seemed appropriate, considering his name. Let me know what you think.

SAVING JACK FROST: AN OZ ADVENTURE
By Nathan M. DeHoff

“Is that a polar bear, Dorothy?” asked Toto, surprising his little mistress because he rarely spoke, especially when it was just the two of them together.
“It sure looks like one, Toto, but I didn’t know there were any polar bears in Oz,” replied Dorothy.
The girl and her dog approached the ursine creature that was just emerging from a small red Quadling wood. It turned out that the bear had a young winged man with long hair on his back, who waved cheerfully to Dorothy and Toto.
“Why, hello, Ozites!” exclaimed the man.
“Hello!” said Dorothy.
“Yes, I know I’m in the wrong sort of habitat, but there’s a reason for that,” stated the polar bear.
“Right! We’re on a mission from Santa Claus.”
“Oh, I think I’ve seen you before! You’re one of Santa’s fairy helpers, aren’t you?”
“Wisk, at your service!” responded the fairy, removing his little green hat. “And this is Huggerumbo.”
“Why, what an adorable name!”
“That’s what I say, but he won’t have it,” said the fairy, as the bear frowned a little. “Am I right, old Grumpy Bear?”
“Oh, I know people find me cute, but they don’t have to point it out every time. We polar bears can be ferocious animals. When I was a cub, I dreamed of dressing in armor and fighting in a gladiatorial arena.”
“An armored polar bear?” put in Toto. “What a bizarre idea!”
“Yes, well, instead, I ended up working for Santa Claus.”
“And it’s well worth it, isn’t it?” asked Wisk. “You’re making a lot more people happy this way.”
“Yes, I suppose I can’t deny that.”
“I should introduce you to Grumpy, the Patchwork Girl’s friend from the Kingdom of Patch,” said Dorothy. “He’s also cranky on the outside, but very soft-hearted.”
“Please don’t say that out loud. I may be soft-hearted, but it would ruin my reputation. Anyway, we’re busy right now.”
“Busy with what?”
“We’re looking for Jack Frost,” replied Wisk.
“Jack Frost! I’ve met him before. He wanted to marry me, in fact.”
“Aren’t you a little young for marriage?” inquired Huggerumbo.
“Well, yes, although I’ve actually lived more than a hundred years. Here in Oz, we stay young as long as we want to.”
“Yes, it’s the same way in the Christmas Country. I can’t imagine young Jim getting married, either.”
“But you know there’s no way to convince Jack otherwise when he wants something,” put in Wisk. “We think that might be why he’s in trouble now.”
“Then Jack’s in trouble?”
“Well, we don’t know for sure. The only thing we do know is that we can’t find him,” stated the bear.
“We could go to the Emerald City, and look in Ozma’s Magic Picture.”
“No, I don’t think that would help. Claus has one of the best surveillance systems in the world, and he hasn’t found out anything other than that Jack is somewhere in Oz.”
“Oh, right. He sees you when you’re sleeping, and knows when you’re awake.”
“Right, although he doesn’t actually watch people sleep,” said Wisk. “That would be creepy, and he has better things to do. But you’re right that he has the power to do that if he wanted to, so it’s strange that he can’t find one missing person.”
“So, you’re from the Emerald City, are you?” asked Huggerumbo politely.
“Why, yes. Ozma’s my best friend, and she made me a princess.”
“I thought you looked familiar! Walloping walruses, you’re Princess Dorothy!”
“Yes, but you can just call me Dorothy. And this is Toto, my dog.”
“Of course we’ve heard of Toto!” said Wisk, jumping down from the polar bear’s back to pet the little black terrier.
“So where were you headed?” inquired Huggerumbo.
“Oh, we were just on a short walk into the Quadling Country. We were planning on going back to the city by nightfall. Where were you planning on looking for Mr. Frost?”
“That’s part of the problem. We don’t know where he would have gone. Some of our compatriots are searching other parts of the land, though, so we were headed toward the Munchkin Country.”
“There’s a Snow Mountain there, but I don’t know if Mr. Frost would want to go to another snowy place. Oh, and the Wind Satchel Man at Valley Mountain keeps the North Wind when he’s not busy elsewhere.”
“I don’t know that Jack would want to go somewhere it’s already cold, but I suppose that’s as good a place to start as any.”
The girl and her dog joined up with the bear and the fairy, and the two of them continued across the gentle red hills to the east. Red flowers grew all over, and they occasionally passed an apple or cherry tree. At one point, they stopped to eat lunch from a magic basket provided by the Wizard of Oz. Even Huggerumbo was satisfied by ten salmon sandwiches, while Wisk hardly ate anything at all. Just as the party was sharing a small strawberry shortcake, Dorothy was suddenly assailed with a spray of water.
“What? Where did that come from? Is the basket not working?” inquired Dorothy.
“No, it came from that hill over there,” observed Toto.
“Well, I’m always up for a water fight,” said Wisk, “but you should at least announce your intentions first.” He pointed his wand in the direction from which the spray had come, producing his own shower of cold water. This was followed by a severe drenching for all four party members.
“At least it’s cold,” stated Huggerumbo. “The warm water around here has been difficult for me to take.”
“All right, all right, we give up!” conceded Wisk, waving a white handkerchief above his head.
“Give up what?” asked a somewhat dense voice. The owner of the voice was a strange rubbery creature, red in color, with a long snout with a nozzle at the end. It was accompanied by two other animals like it, one of which was sagging somewhat. A hydrant promptly ran up behind them and refilled the sagging one.
“What are they?” asked the polar bear. “Some sort of elephants?”
“No, I think they’re hose beasts,” answered Dorothy. “They usually work for the fire department.”
“Right, but what fun is that?” said one of the beasts. “That’s why we’ve gone rogue, and we’re headed for the ocean, where we need never be empty.”
“The ocean? How are you going to get there?”
“We believe there’s some outlet in Lake Quad,” replied another beast, who had a more erudite tone to his voice. “Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Why, I’m a Princess of Oz, so it’s my business.”
“A princess? We don’t go in for authority!” shouted the second beast. “Kidde, extinguish them!”
The largest of the hose beasts, who was also the one with the classier voice, promptly sprayed a foamy liquid toward Dorothy. Huggerumbo promptly grabbed her in his mouth and ran off with her down a nearby road, while Wisk took Toto in his arms and flew away. The animals pursued them, ejecting water and foam all the way, but they managed to avoid the majority of the onslaught. Without noticing it, however, the polar bear ran right off the edge of a cliff.
“Huggerumbo! Dorothy! I didn’t even see that!” exclaimed Wisk, as he flew down to see whether the bear and the girl were safe. As it turned out, they bounced off a rubber surface, and landed in a nearby ozberry bush.
“It’s a good thing I was here!” shouted the rubber object in a nasal tone. “Those rogue hose beasts are really getting to be a problem. You’d think we’d get along, all being made of rubber and all.”
With that, the rubber being flattened itself out and stood up on two legs, revealing itself to be a disc-shaped bluish-green creature with a hooked nose. “Why, Princess Dorothy! What are you doing in these parts?”
“Well, we WERE having a picnic, until they came along,” complained the girl.
“I’ve been doing my best to stop them, being Royal Rubber Stopper and all, but I might just have to report them to a higher authority.” The creature shook itself as it said this, causing the bells on its ears to jingle. “Something also needs to be done about that road. At least there haven’t been road hogs around here. They eat roads, you know.”
“Why, you look familiar!” exclaimed Wisk, as he settled down on the ground.
“This is the Bell-Snickle, who works as Ozma’s Royal Rubber Stopper,” declared Dorothy. “Snickle, these are Wisk and Huggerumbo. They work for Santa Claus.”
The Bell-Snickle looked nervous at the mention of the gift-giving saint, and Wisk shouted, “THAT’S where I know him! He was an experimental toy that Neclaus made, sort of a combination whoopee cushion and noisemaker, intended for parties. When it came time to name him, one of the Sound Imps suggested Bell-Snickle, after one of Claus’s German companions. The Elves deemed it impractical to make any more, since this one was so reckless. I’m not sure how he ended up in Oz.”
“Well, I’M not going to tell you,” announced the rubber creature. “You’ve given away too much information already. I pride myself on being a Mystery.”
“Oh, we won’t tell anyone, Mr. Snickle,” assured Dorothy.
“So what work does a Royal Rubber Stopper do?” asked Wisk.
“Tries to stop things that shouldn’t be happening,” replied the Bell-Snickle. “Like the hose beasts and the road hogs that bother innocent travelers. Or safety hazards, like that dead-end road. I even sometimes investigate unfair laws in the stupid little countries.”
“I don’t know that you should call a whole country stupid.”
“Oh, you’d disagree if you went to some of these places. There’s a town nearby where all activity totally stops when they see red lights. And one in the Winkie Country nobody is allowed to move at more than a quarter mile per hour. In Blankenburg in the Gillikin Country, no one is allowed to show their face. Marginalia has laws against toe tapping, nose nipping, mouth breathing, and finger snapping. And in Ditchville, you’re not allowed to give money away.”
“I thought they didn’t use money in Oz,” observed Huggerumbo.
“Oh, it’s definitely much less common, but not unheard of. The inhabitants of Bunbury, out in the woods to the west, use sesame seeds as currency. And I hear Quick City uses rolls of quicksilver, which is strange as I thought that was a liquid at normal temperatures. I’ve been meaning to check that out, as I don’t like there to be other mysteries besides me.”
“The real mystery is how these places managed to survive for so long,” said Wisk. “But then, that’s the thing with fairylands. My people don’t always make a lot of sense. I always got along with Queen Lurline, you know.”
“Well, Mr. Snickle, would you like to join us in looking for Jack Frost?” asked Dorothy.
“Jack Frost! The very personification of the chill of winter? What would he be doing in these parts?”
“We don’t know that he’s in these parts, just somewhere in Oz,” observed the polar bear.
“I might as well. I’m sure there will be plenty of things to rub out on the way.”
With that, the Bell-Snickle joined the others, and they continued to the east. There were a few farmhouses, with fertile fields and orchards, in the area, but no towns. After about two hours of travel, Wisk sighted a tall blue wall on the horizon. Upon coming closer to it, Dorothy gave a cry of recognition. “It’s the town of the Cuttenclips!”
“Oh, I’m no longer allowed there,” stated the Bell-Snickle. “They say I’m too clumsy.”
“I’m not surprised. First time we visited, the Shaggy Man toppled a whole lot of them with a sneeze.”
“Who are the Cuttenclips?” inquired Huggerumbo.
“Oh, they’re living paper dolls. Very pretty, but very fragile as well.”
“Well, I’d like to see them,” put in Wisk. “Toy towns remind me of home.”
So the Bell-Snickle, Huggerumbo, and Toto waited outside while Dorothy and Wisk went to visit Miss Cuttenclip, the only flesh-and-blood inhabitant of the village, who lived in a wooden house in the center of town. The Princess of Oz asked her about Jack Frost, but she said she had seen no sign of him. Upon learning that Wisk worked for Santa Claus, she relayed her request for some spangles and a new pair of scissors for Christmas. The fairy was fascinated to learn about how Glinda had provided Miss Cuttenclip with living paper, and enchanted the town so that storms and other bad weather could not affect it.
“They’re the only live paper dolls in the world, as far as I know,” stated Miss Cuttenclip. “Not the only live toys by any means, though. I visited Merryland once, and they have a whole society of dolls.”
“Yes, Claus was involved in setting that up, if I recall correctly,” said Wisk.
The girl and the fairy were anxious to continue on their journey, so after a few refreshments, they rejoined their companions outside the town. Huggerumbo had been eating berries and apples from nearby trees, and was pretty full.
“You know, Ozma’s cousin, the Guardian of Oz, lives near here,” said Dorothy. “I wonder if we should check in with her.”
So the small group turned toward the south and the road to Story-Blossom Mountain, while Wisk sang “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” When he had reached the part about figgy pudding, Huggerumbo grumbled, “Do you think you could sing another song? Just the thought of figgy pudding makes me sick to my stomach.”
“You shouldn’t have eaten so much back there,” admonished Wisk. Still, she acceded to the bear’s request and began singing, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols—“
“Another song about food?” grumbled the polar bear.
“Only parts of it.”
“Wait, where else did I hear about nose-nipping today?” asked Dorothy.
“Oh, that was me,” answered the Bell-Snickle. “It’s illegal in Marginalia.”
“And is it something Mr. Frost does often?”
“Of course! Why else do you think it would be in a song?” observed Wisk.
“A lot of songs aren’t entirely true,” said the Bell-Snickle.
“And that song wishes a merry Christmas to anyone from one to ninety-two, and I think we’re all older than that. Still, Jack is quite fond of nipping noses and pinching fingers. He and Claus are old friends, but he thinks Jack goes overboard sometimes, especially with the children.”
“Then maybe it would be worth looking in Marginalia,” suggested Dorothy. “If Santa isn’t able to locate Mr. Frost, the Guardian might well not be either.”
“So where is this place?” questioned Huggerumbo.
“I don’t know, but the Wogglebug might. He’s in charge of updating the maps of Oz, and his college isn’t far away.”
So the party instead turned to the north, and had soon crossed the border into the Munchkin Country. By this time, the sun was setting. The educated insect greeted Dorothy and her friends, and checked his latest map sketches to see if he could find such a place as Marginalia.
“It’s not on the main map, but it does sound familiar,” said the Wogglebug. “Ah, here we are! Marginalia, out in the outskirts of the Munchkin Country. Its location hasn’t been properly surveyed, but it’s in the eastern part of the country, south of the White Mountains.”
The group spent the night at the college, and set out in the morning, using the insect’s sketch to determine where they were going. Dorothy deemed the Yellow Brick Road to be the fastest way to get to that area, so they took the route from the college to the famous highway. This was the road Dorothy had taken to reach the Emerald City on her first visit to Oz many years back, but it was better traveled and safer by this point. Bridges had been built over the Munchkin River and the chasm in the Great Blue Munchkin Forest, and the Cowardly Lion and Hungry Tiger had successfully driven the Kalidahs away from the road. It took a few days to traverse the route, but there were several small inns along the way. Dorothy pointed out where the Scarecrow had gotten stuck on a pole in the river and the cabin where the Tin Woodman had lived for a while, now preserved as a national historical site. When they dropped in on Boq, the aristocratic Munchkin who had let Dorothy stay at his house on her very first night in the fairyland, he told them what little he knew of Marginalia.
“I hear it’s a very strict place, and it’s located in the middle of nowhere,” said the Munchkin. “I don’t know anyone who’s ever been there.”
After crossing another branch of the Munchkin River beyond Dorothy’s old farmhouse, the party turned south. This part of the country was not maintained all that well, not being particularly good land for farming. It was mostly overgrown with tall grass, and at one point crabgrass with claws attempted to pinch the travelers. Some growling from Huggerumbo was enough to put a stop to that, as well as to the moving skunk cabbages that came out at night. The only house they saw along the way belonged to a man who farmed knives of all shapes and sizes. He told them that Marginalia was just to the south. Eventually, the group came across a road leading right up to a large town surrounded by a metal wall. At the gate, a man in a booth asked, “What is your business in Marginalia?”
“We’re searching for a friend of ours, Jack Frost,” stated Wisk.
“Do you have identification?” asked the man.
Dorothy pulled a letter of introduction from her pocket and showed it to the gatekeeper. Upon glancing at it, he said, “This hasn’t even been properly notarized, nor does it have any photographic representation of you.”
“Photographs? A lot of Oz doesn’t even have cameras,” stated Dorothy.
“Well, if they’re not going to become properly civilized, that’s no skin off our backs. So you say you’re Dorothy?”
“Yes, I’m a Princess of Oz, and that letter has Ozma’s royal seal.”
“Oh, like such things can’t be forged.”
“Look, just let us in or I’ll bite you,” said Toto.
“Oh, my word! That dog isn’t on a leash!”
“A leash? This is the Land of Oz! I have my rights!”
“Maybe so, but dogs are noisy and messy, so there’s no admittance for them without leashes. And your companion there is out in bear skin!”
“Since when is that illegal?” questioned Huggerumbo.
“It’s illegal here because it’s indecent. I have heard it suggested that this was a misspelling in the law books, but it can’t be changed now.”
“Can’t you just let us in?” asked Dorothy.
“No, I’m afraid not.”
“Look, I don’t like doing this, but I’m a Princess of Oz, and I demand you let us in immediately!” shouted the girl, who stamped her foot in anger.
“Foot-stamping is illegal in this town. I’m afraid I’ll have to have you arrested.”
“Arrested? But we’re diplomatic envoys from Santa Claus!” griped Huggerumbo.
“Yes, and I’m the Easter Bunny’s secretary.” While saying this, the gatekeeper pressed a button and a tall woman with blue hair and a dark blue uniform emerged from a nearby guardhouse. “Officer Bleu, arrest them.”
“Wait, what did I do?” asked Wisk.
“You and the gasbag are accomplices,” said the officer sternly. “Now follow me.”
Not wanting to cause any trouble, the party followed Officer Bleu through the streets of the town. It was a pretty sort of place, with neatly arranged houses and metal sculptures set on nicely trimmed lawns. The people, however, looked rather terrified, and rushed through the streets quietly with their heads down like they preferred not to be seen. Finally, the group reached the jail, which the officer forced the visitors to enter, locking the door behind them.
“Your trial should take place in six to eight weeks,” said Officer Bleu. “Until then, please refrain from any more illegal activity, or it will only increase your sentence.” Noticing the bear scratching his nose, she added, “What did I just tell you?”
“Look, with laws like yours, there’s no way anyone can obey all of them,” objected Dorothy.
“Tell it to the judge. Or don’t, as arguing with the judge is also against the law.”
With that, the officer left the jail. Toto soon noticed a man sitting hunched down in the corner of the cell, and approached him. Wisk followed him, saying, “Why, it’s Jack Frost himself!”
“Wisk!” exclaimed the man, as he looked up. “Did you come to get me out of here?”
“Yes, but it looks like we’ve been captured ourselves. No problem, though. I still have my magic.”
“No, I don’t think you do. These cells have been magic-proofed. Otherwise, don’t you think I would have escaped by now?”
“Isn’t magic-proofing illegal without a permit?” asked Dorothy.
“I tried telling them that, and they wouldn’t have it. The police said that the authorities were allowed to ignore the rules when it came to making sure everyone else follows them.”
“That doesn’t sound right. Everyone has to be bound by some laws. Even Ozma can’t do anything she wants, and she’s an absolute monarch.”
Wisk tested his magic to make sure it did not work, and it proved to be ineffective. The Bell-Snickle, however, did state that he could probably squeeze out through the bars. Upon hearing this, Wisk gave him a switch, telling him to use it when he reached a place where magic worked.
“You mean you want to call HIM?” questioned Huggerumbo. “I thought that was a last resort.”
“What other choice do we have?” asked the fairy.
“I suppose you’re right, but he really scares me.”
Without bothering to ask what the bear and the fairy were talking about, the Bell-Snickle flattened himself as much as possible and walked out between the bars of the cell. Leaving the building, he promptly struck the switch on the ground. In a puff of choking black smoke, a tall, hairy man with pointed ears, horns and a beard like a goat, and a long tail appeared in front of the rubber creature. In a rough and booming voice, he said, “Who dares to summon the mighty Krampus?”
“Um…me, Mr. Krampus,” said the Snickle. “Wisk told me to call you to help us get out of jail.”
“Wisk? Oh, right, one of the master’s intolerable assistants. Why can’t he get out himself?”
“The cells have been magic-proofed.”
“Oh, I should have figured it was something like that. Fortunately, I have training in law as well. Take me to the local authorities.”
The Bell-Snickle was not sure where the authorities were headquartered, but a quick look at a sign told them the way to the Mayor’s Mansion. This was a very large building, blue and dome-shaped like most Munchkin dwellings, with an imposing look to it. With Krampus on the streets, the people were even more terrified than they were before. The Snickle knocked on the door, and a butler answered it.
“We’ve come to see the Mayor,” said Krampus.
“I’m sorry, but his honor is busy just now,” said the butler.
“Oh, he’ll see me.” With that, the monster held a whip toward the servant, who rushed off to get the mayor. This turned out to be a small man in blue silk pajamas, who said, “What’s so important that you had to draw me away from my nap?”
“I am the Krampus, a being of unspeakable horror.”
“And I’m the Bell-Snickle, Royal Rubber Stopper to the Queen of Oz,” added the rubber creature, who did not want to be left out.
“We demand the release of several prisoners who are now in your jail.”
“Oh, we never release prisoners until after their trials, and usually not even then. The police aren’t likely to make mistakes.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, and some mistakes can be deadly. If you fail to release them, you may start an international incident. One of them, Jack Frost, is the son of the powerful Frost King, who can bury your town in ice and snow.”
“Ice and snow? Ha! Let him try! My town is weather-proofed.”
“Another is a Princess of Oz. Would you want to incur the wrath of Queen Ozma?”
“We’re a law-abiding town. Ozma can’t do anything to us! High Queen or not, she has to learn that her friends can’t just ignore the rules when they feel like it.”
“Well, what about MY master, Santa Claus? He has magic powers beyond your puny comprehension.”
“Oh, magic is no threat if you have the right equipment. Besides, do you really think I’m afraid of an old man on a sled? What’s he going to do, cut off our allowance of Christmas presents? My officers will shoot his reindeer right out of the sky!”
“What?” exclaimed another voice, and a girl who was a head taller than the man rushed to the doorway. “Daddy, I’m behind your desire for law and order, but are you really thinking of declaring war against Santa Claus?”
“Why not? Those immortal nuisances have to learn that they’re not above the law.”
“But aren’t YOU going above the law by challenging sovereigns of other nations? If you go to war with Santa, the children of this town are going to revolt. Need I remind you that the equipment you use to monitor this town and keep up the protection against magic and weather are from a kit I received for Christmas?”
“Look, Amarra, I won’t do it. I stand firm on my principles.”
“Then I’ll release them,” said the girl. With a remote control device in her hand, she ran out into the town, ignoring her father’s threats to send her to bed without dinner. When she reached the jail, with Krampus and the Snickle behind her, she pressed a button that opened the cell door. The prisoners walked out and greeted their liberators, although Huggerumbo, Wisk, and Jack made sure to keep their distance from the demon. When the citizens heard that their mayor was planning on defying both Ozma and Santa Claus, they promptly demanded he step down, appointing his daughter Amarra to the position. They wanted to run him out of town on a rail as well, but Amarra granted her father a pardon, saying that he was trying to do what was best for his citizens. The new mayor agreed to journey to the Emerald City for a meeting with Ozma to try to determine how best to alter the town’s draconic laws. Krampus disappeared in some more thick smoke, after extracting a promise from everyone to behave or he would return.
“Who was he, anyway?” questioned Dorothy.
“Oh, he was a demon who used to punish everyone he thought was naughty,” explained Wisk. “Claus eventually tamed him, as much as you can tame someone like that, and gave him a job. Contrary to what a lot of people think, it isn’t in Claus’s interest to judge and punish, so instead he let Krampus serve as his lawyer. A necessary evil, I suppose you could say.”
“He still gives me the creeps, though,” stated Huggerumbo.
“Sure, but it’s not like polar bears don’t also have a bad reputation in much of the world.”
“By the way, Dorothy, I’m sorry about sending that blizzard to Oz,” said Jack Frost. “Even immortals do strange things when they have crushes. I have a steady girlfriend now, Arctica, daughter of the Golden Goblin.”
“Well, anyone who’s sorry has to be forgiven. Just don’t do it again,” returned Dorothy.
Jack soon used his own magic to return himself to his home in the frozen north, taking the bear and the fairy with him. Dorothy, Toto, the Bell-Snickle, and Amarra made a leisurely trip to the Emerald City, stopping at many places along the way. At her old farmhouse, many tourists wanted to meet her and her dog. When Christmas came and Santa made his typical visit to Ozma’s palace for the day, he brought along Wisk and Huggerumbo, as well as some of his other helpers. Even Krampus made a brief appearance, and Button-Bright swears that he caught the demon playing games with some of the younger children. The newspapers refused to print this, however, as they were afraid it would damage his reputation as a creature of sheer terror.