When I Say Ho Ho Ho, You Say Har Har Har
Nov. 29th, 2011 12:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vovatA little while ago, the title "Jinnicky Saves Christmas" popped into my head. Jinnicky, of course, is the Red Jinn of Ev from the Oz series. And Santa Claus is an established part of the Oz universe, so it kind of makes sense. Later, I decided this was something I should actually write, and so I dashed it off. Any comments and suggestions for how I can improve it are welcome.
JINNICKY SAVES CHRISTMAS
By Nathan M. DeHoff
“Great buttered breadcrumbs!” exclaimed a goose, quickly flying out of the way of an approaching red vehicle. “Why in the Lakes of Lopandra would you be out here on Christmas Eve?”
“Oh, no reason. Just wanted to have some fun, har har har!” laughed the occupant of the conveyance, who was a man in a red jar with the lid perched on his head like a hat. “Besides, all the holiday traffic is on the ground.”
“But you’ll catch your death of cold up here!”
“That’s what Alibabble said. I’m not worried, though. My Jinrikisha has central heating, after all.”
“Well, just watch out for—What in the sky is that?”
That turned out to be another vehicle that was quickly approaching, and the man in the jar swerved just in time to avoid being hit by it. Two winged horses drew the vehicle, which was sort of a chariot, carved in gold and decorated with leaves. Riding in it were three long-haired men, dressed in green and with quivers of arrows on their backs.
“I wonder where they’re going in such a hurry,” stated the jugged man. “Out to get some last-minute presents?”
“I don’t know, but with all the sky there is, you’d think everyone wouldn’t be right in my path tonight. Anyway, my name is Greta. Might I presume I have the pleasure of addressing the Red Jinn of Ev?”
“Quite correct, quite correct, har har har! You can call me Jinnicky, Miss Greta.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Jinnicky, even if we did meet in a rather inauspicious manner.”
“My apologies, Miss Greta. So, do you have any plans for Christmas?”
“I’m going to visit my parents back on Lake Nylla.”
“Oh, a family visit, eh? I’m on my way to the Emerald City for Ozma’s annual Christmas bash. You should come. Her cooks always make too much food.”
“Maybe I’ll stop by if the folks get tiresome. She’s not serving goose, is she?”
“Har har, no, Father Goose is coming this year, and his companion was most insistent that we don’t serve any. Pajuka will be glad of that, too, come to think of it.” While the vast majority of poultry eaten in Oz has been grown on trees for some time, ever since the legendary Wizard Wam successfully cultivated what he called poul-trees, many birds are still not too keen on meat that resembles their species being served at events they attend.
“Wait a minute. Isn’t that the chariot that just passed us?” asked Greta, noticing the same vehicle with the winged horses a bit lower down in the air. “It looks like it’s headed for that sled.”
“Sled? Why, that’s Santa’s own sleigh! I wonder what they’re doing. Trying to get their presents early?”
“If so, they’re very serious about it. I think they have weapons.”
The passengers on the chariot did indeed have weapons, specifically bows. Nocking arrows, two of them pointed them toward the reindeer, and the other toward the holiday icon himself.
“All right, Claus, this is a hijacking!” shouted the passenger nearest the sleigh.
“You mean you’re hijacking Santa Claus’s sleigh on Christmas Eve?” asked a crooked man who sat next to Santa. “What, you can’t wait for your presents?”
“Enough wisecracking! We represent the High Legion of Elves, and we intend to put a stop to your exploitation of our noble race!”
“Exploitation?” said Santa. “Why, we pay the elves quite well.”
“It isn’t about the money! It’s about how elves are no longer respected in modern society.”
“Yes,” added one of the other elves. “Time was when elves were feared. Now, people just think of us as happy workers, making toys for the children. It’s ruined our reputation!”
“What Elharlen said. I’m sure you understand where we’re coming from, crooked elf.”
“Elf? I, sir, am a Knook. Peter Knook, to be specific. We are the caretakers of forests, animals, and wild places. Elf, indeed!”
“Well, we don’t care! We’re hijacking the sleigh, and kidnapping Santa Claus!”
“You do realize that the Awgwas and the Daemons already did that, right?”
“Our goal isn’t to be original,” said the third elf, who had a voice rather like a ringing bell. “It’s to make a statement.”
“But if you kidnap Santa, we won’t have any Christmas!” objected Jim, a young chimneysweep who accompanied Santa.
“Not true,” said the lead elf. “Christmas isn’t about Santa.”
“That’s true. It’s about the birth of Jesus.”
“It really isn’t about that either,” stated the third elf. “Christmas is merely the latest iteration of the celebration of the winter solstice, which is based on the tilt of the world on its axis. That will happen regardless of what happens to Santa.”
“This is true,” admitted Santa, “but the children are counting on my visiting. Would you really want to let down the children of the world?”
“Do you think we care about children?” asked the lead elf. “Children are annoying!”
“I like children,” put in Elharlen.
“Oh, who cares what you think? Leave the thinking to Lohara and me!”
Jinnicky, out of sight behind a cloud, had heard this exchange by means of a magical ear trumpet, and relayed the gist of it to Greta. The goose honked, “They can’t do that to Santa!” “Oh, no, indeed!” agreed the Jinn. “I just have to find some magic to teach those elves not to mess with holiday tradition.” Rummaging through the items he brought with him, he began muttering, “No, not the horse tonic. Or the yellow incense. Dissolving formula? That would be too extreme even for them. If only it were about fifteen minutes later,” said Jinnicky, looking at a watch he had taken from his sock.
“You keep a watch in your sock?”
“Of course! Haven’t you ever heard of keeping time with your feet? Hmmm, what’s this? Duplicating powder?”
“Maybe that would help. What does it do?”
“It creates illusory duplicates of a person or animal. Very useful sometimes, but I don’t see how it would help us now.”
“If you use it on me, maybe I can distract them. If I know anything about old-school elves, it’s that they can’t resist a shooting spree.”
A few pinches of the powder resulted in an entire flock of geese flying over Santa’s sleigh, with Greta honking loudly the whole time. Elharlen shouted out, “Hey, look! Geese!”
“We have no time for game right now,” said Lohara.
“Oh, no? I say there’s always time for game,” stated the leader. “Watch me shoot down this entire flock. They don’t call me Surell Sure-Shot for nothing.”
“I thought it had something to do with vaccinations,” said Elharlen.
“Sounds like a Nerf product to me,” added Jim.
“Oh, shut up!” yelled Surell, as he pointed his bow and arrow toward the geese. “It’s time to get some Christmas goose.”
The arrow that the elf fired hit its target, but as the target was merely an illusion, the arrow flew right through it. This happened with the next arrow as well, and Surell began cursing in Elvish. “How do my arrows go right through them?”
“Oh, I see,” said Elharlen. “You can’t hit them, so you make excuses about your arrows going through them. I won’t have that problem.” Elharlen did, however, have that problem, for obvious reasons.
As the elves were attempting to shoot down at least one of the geese flying overhead, Santa’s watch suddenly chimed twelve. A cheerful voice called down, “Merry Christmas, everyone!” and powder fell down onto the three elves.
“What is that? Powdered sugar?” asked Santa.
“Certainly doesn’t taste like it,” answered Elharlen, who had caught a flake on his tongue.
“No, it’s my instant present-wrapping powder!” called out Jinnicky, as he brought his Jinrikisha into view. Sure enough, all three elves were soon wrapped up in colorful packaging with bows on top. The Jinn nimbly grabbed the three of them and placed them on his conveyance.
“Sorry I took so long,” added the Jinn, “but the powder wouldn’t work until midnight.”
“Jinnicky!” called Santa. “You saved Christmas!”
“Be sure to give some of the credit to Greta,” said Jinnicky, as the goose flew toward the sleigh. “She bought us some time by distracting the elves.”
“Nice to meet you, Miss Greta. I’d like to stay and talk, but I’m afraid I’m running behind schedule now.”
“I’d help you out, but I don’t think I’d be much good at getting down chimneys, what with the jar,” laughed the Jinn.
“No, I can manage. I’ve worked on tighter schedules before. Will I see you at Ozma’s palace in the morning?”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world! I hear King Ato is trying out a new macaroni and cheese recipe, so don’t fill up on milk and cookies!”
“I look forward to trying some. Merry Christmas, Jinnicky and Greta, and thank you for saving us!”
As Santa flew off, the goose asked the Jinn what he was planning on doing with the elves, to which he replied that he would let Ozma decide. Santa, Greta, and Jinnicky all did show up at Ozma’s palace on Christmas morning, and it was one of the jolliest occasions you can imagine. I certainly wish I could have been there.
THE END
JINNICKY SAVES CHRISTMAS
By Nathan M. DeHoff
“Great buttered breadcrumbs!” exclaimed a goose, quickly flying out of the way of an approaching red vehicle. “Why in the Lakes of Lopandra would you be out here on Christmas Eve?”
“Oh, no reason. Just wanted to have some fun, har har har!” laughed the occupant of the conveyance, who was a man in a red jar with the lid perched on his head like a hat. “Besides, all the holiday traffic is on the ground.”
“But you’ll catch your death of cold up here!”
“That’s what Alibabble said. I’m not worried, though. My Jinrikisha has central heating, after all.”
“Well, just watch out for—What in the sky is that?”
That turned out to be another vehicle that was quickly approaching, and the man in the jar swerved just in time to avoid being hit by it. Two winged horses drew the vehicle, which was sort of a chariot, carved in gold and decorated with leaves. Riding in it were three long-haired men, dressed in green and with quivers of arrows on their backs.
“I wonder where they’re going in such a hurry,” stated the jugged man. “Out to get some last-minute presents?”
“I don’t know, but with all the sky there is, you’d think everyone wouldn’t be right in my path tonight. Anyway, my name is Greta. Might I presume I have the pleasure of addressing the Red Jinn of Ev?”
“Quite correct, quite correct, har har har! You can call me Jinnicky, Miss Greta.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Jinnicky, even if we did meet in a rather inauspicious manner.”
“My apologies, Miss Greta. So, do you have any plans for Christmas?”
“I’m going to visit my parents back on Lake Nylla.”
“Oh, a family visit, eh? I’m on my way to the Emerald City for Ozma’s annual Christmas bash. You should come. Her cooks always make too much food.”
“Maybe I’ll stop by if the folks get tiresome. She’s not serving goose, is she?”
“Har har, no, Father Goose is coming this year, and his companion was most insistent that we don’t serve any. Pajuka will be glad of that, too, come to think of it.” While the vast majority of poultry eaten in Oz has been grown on trees for some time, ever since the legendary Wizard Wam successfully cultivated what he called poul-trees, many birds are still not too keen on meat that resembles their species being served at events they attend.
“Wait a minute. Isn’t that the chariot that just passed us?” asked Greta, noticing the same vehicle with the winged horses a bit lower down in the air. “It looks like it’s headed for that sled.”
“Sled? Why, that’s Santa’s own sleigh! I wonder what they’re doing. Trying to get their presents early?”
“If so, they’re very serious about it. I think they have weapons.”
The passengers on the chariot did indeed have weapons, specifically bows. Nocking arrows, two of them pointed them toward the reindeer, and the other toward the holiday icon himself.
“All right, Claus, this is a hijacking!” shouted the passenger nearest the sleigh.
“You mean you’re hijacking Santa Claus’s sleigh on Christmas Eve?” asked a crooked man who sat next to Santa. “What, you can’t wait for your presents?”
“Enough wisecracking! We represent the High Legion of Elves, and we intend to put a stop to your exploitation of our noble race!”
“Exploitation?” said Santa. “Why, we pay the elves quite well.”
“It isn’t about the money! It’s about how elves are no longer respected in modern society.”
“Yes,” added one of the other elves. “Time was when elves were feared. Now, people just think of us as happy workers, making toys for the children. It’s ruined our reputation!”
“What Elharlen said. I’m sure you understand where we’re coming from, crooked elf.”
“Elf? I, sir, am a Knook. Peter Knook, to be specific. We are the caretakers of forests, animals, and wild places. Elf, indeed!”
“Well, we don’t care! We’re hijacking the sleigh, and kidnapping Santa Claus!”
“You do realize that the Awgwas and the Daemons already did that, right?”
“Our goal isn’t to be original,” said the third elf, who had a voice rather like a ringing bell. “It’s to make a statement.”
“But if you kidnap Santa, we won’t have any Christmas!” objected Jim, a young chimneysweep who accompanied Santa.
“Not true,” said the lead elf. “Christmas isn’t about Santa.”
“That’s true. It’s about the birth of Jesus.”
“It really isn’t about that either,” stated the third elf. “Christmas is merely the latest iteration of the celebration of the winter solstice, which is based on the tilt of the world on its axis. That will happen regardless of what happens to Santa.”
“This is true,” admitted Santa, “but the children are counting on my visiting. Would you really want to let down the children of the world?”
“Do you think we care about children?” asked the lead elf. “Children are annoying!”
“I like children,” put in Elharlen.
“Oh, who cares what you think? Leave the thinking to Lohara and me!”
Jinnicky, out of sight behind a cloud, had heard this exchange by means of a magical ear trumpet, and relayed the gist of it to Greta. The goose honked, “They can’t do that to Santa!” “Oh, no, indeed!” agreed the Jinn. “I just have to find some magic to teach those elves not to mess with holiday tradition.” Rummaging through the items he brought with him, he began muttering, “No, not the horse tonic. Or the yellow incense. Dissolving formula? That would be too extreme even for them. If only it were about fifteen minutes later,” said Jinnicky, looking at a watch he had taken from his sock.
“You keep a watch in your sock?”
“Of course! Haven’t you ever heard of keeping time with your feet? Hmmm, what’s this? Duplicating powder?”
“Maybe that would help. What does it do?”
“It creates illusory duplicates of a person or animal. Very useful sometimes, but I don’t see how it would help us now.”
“If you use it on me, maybe I can distract them. If I know anything about old-school elves, it’s that they can’t resist a shooting spree.”
A few pinches of the powder resulted in an entire flock of geese flying over Santa’s sleigh, with Greta honking loudly the whole time. Elharlen shouted out, “Hey, look! Geese!”
“We have no time for game right now,” said Lohara.
“Oh, no? I say there’s always time for game,” stated the leader. “Watch me shoot down this entire flock. They don’t call me Surell Sure-Shot for nothing.”
“I thought it had something to do with vaccinations,” said Elharlen.
“Sounds like a Nerf product to me,” added Jim.
“Oh, shut up!” yelled Surell, as he pointed his bow and arrow toward the geese. “It’s time to get some Christmas goose.”
The arrow that the elf fired hit its target, but as the target was merely an illusion, the arrow flew right through it. This happened with the next arrow as well, and Surell began cursing in Elvish. “How do my arrows go right through them?”
“Oh, I see,” said Elharlen. “You can’t hit them, so you make excuses about your arrows going through them. I won’t have that problem.” Elharlen did, however, have that problem, for obvious reasons.
As the elves were attempting to shoot down at least one of the geese flying overhead, Santa’s watch suddenly chimed twelve. A cheerful voice called down, “Merry Christmas, everyone!” and powder fell down onto the three elves.
“What is that? Powdered sugar?” asked Santa.
“Certainly doesn’t taste like it,” answered Elharlen, who had caught a flake on his tongue.
“No, it’s my instant present-wrapping powder!” called out Jinnicky, as he brought his Jinrikisha into view. Sure enough, all three elves were soon wrapped up in colorful packaging with bows on top. The Jinn nimbly grabbed the three of them and placed them on his conveyance.
“Sorry I took so long,” added the Jinn, “but the powder wouldn’t work until midnight.”
“Jinnicky!” called Santa. “You saved Christmas!”
“Be sure to give some of the credit to Greta,” said Jinnicky, as the goose flew toward the sleigh. “She bought us some time by distracting the elves.”
“Nice to meet you, Miss Greta. I’d like to stay and talk, but I’m afraid I’m running behind schedule now.”
“I’d help you out, but I don’t think I’d be much good at getting down chimneys, what with the jar,” laughed the Jinn.
“No, I can manage. I’ve worked on tighter schedules before. Will I see you at Ozma’s palace in the morning?”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world! I hear King Ato is trying out a new macaroni and cheese recipe, so don’t fill up on milk and cookies!”
“I look forward to trying some. Merry Christmas, Jinnicky and Greta, and thank you for saving us!”
As Santa flew off, the goose asked the Jinn what he was planning on doing with the elves, to which he replied that he would let Ozma decide. Santa, Greta, and Jinnicky all did show up at Ozma’s palace on Christmas morning, and it was one of the jolliest occasions you can imagine. I certainly wish I could have been there.
THE END
