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Abject Objectification, Part 2

Okay, you know the drill from last time. Here are the next twenty women.

80. Kiera Knightly
Wait, are you thinking of Keira Knightley? You think she's the eightieth hottest female celebrity and you can't even be bothered to spell her name correctly? Other than that, I don't have much to say about her. Not really my type, I guess, despite being British.

79. Ashley Tisdale
Okay, let's see. She was in High School Musical, playing a bitchy character named after a wrinkly breed of dog...what part of that is hot?

78. Aimee Teegarden
Never heard of her before, and the fact that she seems to be pouting in every one of those pictures doesn't endear her to me. Next!

77. Katherine Heigl
Okay, I know her name, but that's about all. Okay, she stars on Grey's Anatomy (motto: "Because there weren't enough damned doctor shows on TV already"). So far, I'm liking the last page of women better.

77. Keeley Hazell
Wait, didn't we just have 77? Is there a tie? No, it actually looks like they messed up the numbering all the way through the rest of the seventies, with 70 missing entirely. And I would have thought a list of eye candy on a site called "Popcrunch" would have had top-of-the-line proofreading! :P I have to say I actually like Keeley, though, even if it's for really shallow reasons. For some reason, British models tend to get a leg up over American ones in my mind.


75. Ke$ha
Yeah, I'm correcting the numbers here. As for the girl...really? I generally only hear of her as a living punchline. Maybe that just proves how isolated I am, though. Obviously SOMEONE must like her, or she wouldn't be famous. Hey, Glenn Beck is also a living punchline, yet he somehow has a lot of fans. I wonder if there's any overlap. No, probably not, as the chick has fiat currency in her name. If she wanted to appeal to the Becktrians, she'd be "Kegoldha." Based on the pictures, I have to say: 1) she's kind of ugly, and 2) what business does a white chick have with a name like that? Oh, and why did you rip off the name of the clockwork man from the Oz books for your song title?

"Ke-doll-ar-ha has be-fowled my name! Pick-me-up! Pick-me-up! Pick-me-up!"

74. Emily Vancamp
Another one I don't know, even she is apparently is a Hollywood "it" girl. Just based on the pictures, though, I think she's cuter than most of the unknowns (to me, that is) on the list.

73. Lady Gaga
I like her, but she's more someone I admire than someone I think is hot. She usually seems to be going more for weird than attractive, anyway. She's pretty cute in some of her pictures, though. And no, I don't think she's a man in drag, but so what if she is? It's not like I expect to end up in bed with her.

Would it be trite to say she's bubblicious?

72. Emma Stone
Another one I don't know, and can't really get enough sense of from the pictures. Oh, she's apparently going to be in the live-action Marmaduke movie! I won't hold that against her, though. We all need to eat. Is she going to be the wife of the dude with the Hitler mustache?


71. Paz Vega
Okay, I did see Spanglish, but I can't say I remember her in particular. She does look pretty attractive, though, so I won't begrudge her her place just because of my own lack of familiarity.

70. Gemma Arterton
Is Gemma one of those names that's popular in Britain but largely unknown in the States? It would seem that way. I can't say I have much of a sense of her from this, but she DOES have nice bangs.

69. Mary Louise Parker
Okay, enough with the stars of TV shows I never watch!

68. Elisha Cuthbert
Hey, what did I just say? I do think she's pretty, though.

67. Sienna Miller
Were her parents looking at a Crayola box when deciding what to name her? (See what I'm reduced to with all these girls I don't know?)

66. Jennifer Love Hewitt
While I never particularly liked her, I kind of feel bad for her now that people are saying she's fat. She's not, you know. Not by a long shot.

65. Hayden Panettiere
Another TV star I don't really know, but I've seen enough pictures of her to at least say she's cute.

64. Christina Aguilera
I'm not sure I've heard any of her music in years. I probably have, but if so I haven't recognized it. But as far as looks go, she seems to have gone from trashy to glamorous in recent years, and I definitely approve.

Yeah, I much prefer the latter. How about you?

63. Christina Hendricks
Okay, here's a star of a TV show I never watch (Mad Men) whose inclusion I can definitely agree with. In fact, 63 is probably too low, considering how many people I've independently seen mention how hot they think she is. Then again, apparently the New York Times criticized her for not having the figure of a Barbie doll. Hey, give me curves any day! Plus fiery red hair and a real sense of confidence...yeah, she's a choice I can get behind. Or in front of and looking back.


62. Zoe Saldana
She's attractive, but since the only thing I've seen her in is Star Trek, I can't help but think of her making out with weird-looking young Spock.


61. Eva Mendes
I've heard her name pretty often, and seen a lot of pictures of her, but I don't really know a whole lot about her. Nice body, though, and I guess that's what the list is mostly about.

Ain't Gonna Study Epic War No More

I haven't seen Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, and just about every review I've read suggests I probably shouldn't. I mean, I'm sure I'll watch it when it comes out on DVD, but not at the theater. One thing I remember seeing about it (and I obviously can't confirm this) is that there's a big action sequence near the end. It looks like that's pretty much inevitable for fantasy films these days. Hey, Lord of the Rings was successful, so let's make every other fantasy movie an action epic! Really, I even question some of the fighting in LotR. If taking out Sauron was the key to winning the war, why even bother with all those other battles until he's dead? I'm not saying that killing Sauron would have ended it all, any more than assassinating Hitler would have brought World War II to a screeching halt, just that any orc-killing done while the lord of evil was still around would be akin to moving the contents of a sandbox with tweezers. Still, that was what happened in the books, so I can't blame the movies for following suit. Besides, we got war elephants and fighting trees! When adapting a different sort of book, though, why is it necessary to follow suit? Hey, the Chronicles of Narnia had plenty of battles of their own, but the screenwriter for Prince Caspian still decided he needed to throw in more. And it seems like the only historical films that receive much attention are ones about war. People loved 300 (another one I haven't seen), but it seems to me that the Spartans were one of the least interesting societies in ancient Greece.


Considering who I am, you knew I was eventually going to bring this around to Oz, right? The MGM Wizard of Oz was made in a different time, and it's interesting to note how much LESS violent the movie is when compared to its source book. The book had Dorothy's companions battling wolves, crows, bees, Kalidahs, a wildcat, and a giant spider, usually in confrontations that ended quite badly for the belligerent creatures. None of this was in the movie, but on the other hand, they made the showdown with the Wicked Witch of the West into more of an epic conflict. The film had the Witch's death at the end of a scene with Dorothy's friends breaking into the castle and fighting the guards, while the equivalent in the book occurred when Dorothy was scrubbing the floor for the Witch and became angry at the hag's stealing one of the Silver Shoes. Then again, while the Dorothy of the book certainly didn't know water would kill the Witch, she did fully intend to douse the nasty woman. The splashing of Margaret Hamilton's Witch was collateral damage from Judy Garland's trying to save the Scarecrow. More epic, but also much more polite. Funny how that worked out. I've joked before that a modern remake of The Wizard of Oz would have Dorothy leading a regiment armed with Super Soakers, and unfortunately that probably isn't too far from the truth.