Ill Met by Twilight

I have never read the Twilight books or seen the movie, and I can't say I intend to. Even the people I know who like the books say they're not very well-written, and I've never been much for teen vampire stories anyway. And I haven't been particularly swayed from what I've heard about them, which is basically the following:

• The author has a very similar name to someone I know, and is a Mormon.
  
• The series has been described as "abstinence porn," because the characters apparently get off on NOT getting off.
  
• When the main characters finally DO have sex (after getting married, of course, because we all know that vampires are strict adherents to twentieth-century Christian mores), the vampire dude breaks the headboard and gives the girl bruises, which she tries to hide.
  
• There's an ongoing theme of women wanting to be housewives, raise kids, and have men to protect them.
  
• The vampires sparkle, play baseball (well, hey, it is a sport that involves...bats), and have a feud with werewolves. (You know, Dracula could turn into a wolf, so was he both? Or does someone only count as a werewolf if the transformations are involuntary?) I don't know anything about Meyer's take on werewolves. Maybe they change color in water and play cricket.
  
• The main vampire, Edward, keeps going to high school over and over again. Sheesh, get your GED already, Mr. Bloodsucker!
  

And since I'm posting, I might as well describe some of the dreams I had the night before last. In one, I was back working at the academic library where I did cataloging a few years ago, but I can't remember what I was rehired to do. Then there was another one where I went to some office building to find a realtor, and called the office while in the elevator, but the girl who answered the phone was really nervous and refused to give me the number for the direct line. After I'd spoken to the real estate agent, I told her I'd come back with bethje, and tried to leave. The only problem is that the elevator wasn't where I remembered it being, and there was a movie theater in its place. I saw an escalator, but couldn't figure out how to reach it. I ended up leaving through an emergency exit, which had a ramp down to the bottom of the building for ambulances to use. (I'm not sure where they were coming from, though, since it isn't like they were in the building itself.) I realized I'd forgotten something, but I couldn't get back in that same way, because of the heavy traffic.