(no subject)

[vovat]

I didn't want to write about this right away, but my mom died on the Thursday before last. She hadn't been feeling that well recently, but it was still very unexpected. I hadn't seen her since November. My sister told me about it when I came home from work. It's weird, because it didn't really hit me all at once, but when something reminds me of her, I just feel how weird it is that she isn't around anymore. It's sort of an empty feeling. There was a burial on Saturday at a Quaker natural burial place in Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania. In attendance were my sister and brother, his wife and son, my mom's brother and his wife, and my dad and his wife. I guess that's a little strange, as they had been divorced for over thirty years. There was no formal service, but we helped to inter the coffin, although I wasn't very good at pulling the rope and one of the employees had to help me. Afterwards, we ate at a nearby cafe, and there was a petting zoo next door with goats, turkeys, and chickens.

So yeah, I've been depressed recently, but still trying to do the things I would otherwise, since that's kind of how I deal with bad stuff. But at the same time, I can't help feeling a bit guilty, like I don't know the proper way to grieve. I did get to thinking about what I want done with my body after I die, and I'm really not sure. I do like the idea of having a headstone, for some reason. When I see gravestones, I almost always have no idea of who the people are, but I get ideas in my head based on the little information that's there. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone else, but death itself doesn't scare me so much as non-existence does.