vovat | We Shall Ne'er Forget Thee, Thou Golden College Days (Reply)

I'm constantly having dreams about going back to college, and they never make even the slightest bit of sense. There's often a feeling of frustration and isolation to them. I'm usually back at my undergraduate dorm at Indiana University of Pennsylvania, but either none of the same people are there, or they're there but won't talk to me. Usually the more rational part of my brain will kick in and tell me things that I need to account for in the dream, like being married and being older than anyone else in the dorm. I've actually known some people who lived in dorms while older than most of the students, and I always wondered if it was awkward. Or is it like you're young again but can actually enjoy it this time? I look back fondly on my college years, although I can also recall my depression being more severe back then. I'm sure part of it was because I hadn't gone on medication yet, but there was also a general sense of uncertainty. It was one of the few times when I had much of a social life, but I had to suspect that this was only the case because we were basically thrown together. It helped that I was in the Honors College, so I was in classes with the same people who lived in the dorm. Apparently some people thought the whole thing was too insular, and while they probably had a point, that's advantageous when you're the kind of person who has trouble making friends. It's sort of like when people argue that, before the Internet, people talked face-to-face more often; and my response is "I didn't!" I've noticed, however, that it's much easier to be lonely when you're surrounded by people who seem like they're having a good time. And while I had friends, I never felt I was really close to anyone, and I envied my dorm-mates who were. Admittedly, I rarely sought out anyone's company, and more often just wandered around and hoped to run into someone. Not to mention that getting used to living on my own AND attending classes at the same time was often overwhelming. It was a lot to deal with, and while sometimes I look back and think I could have put more effort into certain things (both academic and otherwise), I also kind of wonder how I got through it at all. Then again, high school was even harder, and there I didn't feel even remotely accepted. It's also interesting to me that I started dating

bethje pretty soon after graduating. Perhaps you could say it was sort of a symbolic passage into a new lifestyle. I had no clue how to go about being in a relationship, and in many ways I still don't. Beth is someone I can always confide in and someone I know actually wants my company instead of just being forced into it, which helps to take away some of my uncertainty and loneliness. Now the problem is more that I feel guilty for wanting to do so much alone when she's right there.

By the way, during my time at college, I never drank, never even tried to go to a frat party, never got romantically and/or physically involved with anyone, and never attended a sporting event. I guess by some standards, I never really had the proper college experience at all. And yet I still fell behind in some of my classes.