vovat | Writer's Block: Go it alone

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Well, this is several questions in one, isn't it? Let me try to break it down. Yes, I think society puts too much pressure on people to be in relationships and/or have children, especially the latter. Not wanting to have kids is treated as an anomaly, I guess because most people have a biological urge to reproduce. But that aside, it's actually a little bizarre, as having a kid means putting in a lot of work, and having responsibility for another human being. Well, unless you're a crappy parent, which is the route a lot of people prefer to take. I do not care at all for the term "child-free," which just seems to be reinforcing the idea that not wanting to have children is some kind of movement, rather than simply a choice some people make. Most of what I've heard about people who actually apply the label "child-free" to themselves is rather negative, like bitching about the children themselves. I'm not "child-free" because I don't want kids any more than I'm "straight edge" because I don't do recreational drugs. Defining yourself by what you DON'T do is really just buying into the other side's rhetoric, isn't it? It's like how the obsession with "purity" and saving yourself for marriage is really just another sexual fetish. I have to say that I really don't get the appeal of having children, aside from the ability to share stuff you enjoy with them, and even that doesn't always work out. That said, I'm not going to pretend my opinion is best for everybody. But THINK about it first, okay? Wanting a child is one thing, and feeling that you HAVE to have one is quite another.

As for the last question, no, I don't think it's worse during the holidays. Not in general, anyway; I guess it could be in some specific families. In fact, I think those of us without kids get more of a break in this season. I do think the emphasis on family makes it all the worse for people who don't have close family relations, but I've heard that the rumors about the suicide rate being higher around the winter holidays aren't actually true.

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The appeal of having kids is that they're FUN, obviously. But yeh I'm not going to say there's something wrong if people don't want to. As for the holidays thing, I think it does happen a lot to people that when they get together with their families, after a certain age the parents or whoever start hassling them about this stuff. I've heard a lot of people who have talked about this happening.

It seems like my family has pretty much gotten resigned to the idea that I'm not going to reproduce. I do remember my mom telling me several years ago that she thought it was selfish of me not to want kids, though.

When I was a bit younger than you, no, it wasn't a problem with people's expectations. Now that I'm older, people don't ask me anymore if I'm going to have kids [ =O ], so it doesn't bother them that I don't have kids. It just bothers me. Holidays are harder, a bit.

Actually, I think the holidays bit explains the whole thing. If there's more pressure around the holidays, that's because people are visiting their older relations more often, which would include their parents and grandparents, and obviously since those particular folks had that urge to pass on their genetic code in the first place, they've got a vested interest in seeing that code passed on further than that! Looked at it from that angle, of COURSE you're going to get pressure from the people who spawned you! Unless of course you are one of many multiple siblings, then they might not care so much. If you're an only child, watch out. You don't want the line to DIE OFF, do you????

Outside of ones family, I don't think the pressure is really so bad as people who are already sensitive to the pressure might think. I mean, TV and movies are all about people being swinging singles into their forties or whatever. Society pressures us to be Young and Free and Going Out All The Time, which so totally doesn't happen with kids, unless going out=playground. I was married at 25 and had my first kid at 29, which is decently late from a historical standpoint, and I felt like some sort of weirdo among the rest of the people my age I knew, barring a few of them. Of the high school and/or college friends I'm still in contact with (not counting reading occasional Facebook statuses), only two have kids. Oh wait, three-- forgot someone that I don't count as a high school friend because she's more like a family friend than a school friend. Also she has two years on me, even, but her kids are each one year older than each of mine, so it's close enough.

I can't say I've ever been all that concerned as to whether my family line lives on after me. I DO have a sister and a brother, though, so maybe they can take care of that.

I mean, TV and movies are all about people being swinging singles into their forties or whatever. Society pressures us to be Young and Free and Going Out All The Time, which so totally doesn't happen with kids, unless going out=playground.

Yeah, that's another thing that bothers me. It sometimes seems like our society thinks everyone who DOESN'T want partners and/or kids wants to remain a Swinging Single with a Wild Bachelor Life. Which is weird, because I tend to think that both raising kids AND being a Swinging Single would be too stressful for me. Perhaps it's another example of how society tends to frown on introverts. It's not like anyone could POSSIBLY just want to spend most of their time alone, right?

You freaky old hermit! ;)

First off, the El Jay crammed too many damn questions into their Writer's Block today.

Secondly...yeah, the whole 'child-free' thing for many people IS bitching about children themselves. There are some individuals who just do not like children. I used to be one of them. (As a matter of fact, I STILL don't like a lot of children, but those are mostly the ones who are precocious little shits. The whole 'look at me look at me I'm three and a HALF years old' behavior is so far outside of my parenting experience I can't relate to it.)

I have to be a little suspicious of people who say they like kids in general. I mean, do very many people like adults in general? No, we have to meet a person and evaluate them first. To act like we shouldn't do the same thing with kids is another example of being patronizing, I'd say.

Yeah, that's what I don't get about the whole "child-free" thing either is that it seems to be hate directed at kids themselves. Or sometimes at people who have kids, but I mean, if someone else wants to have children, as long as they're not forcing you to have any, or unless they're having like 16 of them, then how does that even affect you? I mean, I guess you have to deal with the fact that children exist, but even though I don't generally like kids they can still be cute at times, and I can still remember being a kid myself.

I guess that's the clincher for me: can these people even remember being kids? You look back on it in your older years with embarassment of course, but all the stupid things children do seem so logical when you yourself are a child. And I mean, somebody has to reproduce if the human race wants to keep existing; if everybody had kids or if nobody had kids it would lead to a bad situation either way. If people want kids they can have them, if they don't want them (or would like them but don't feel that they could handle them), then they shouldn't have them, simple as that.

It often seems like a lot of people DON'T remember being kids themselves, and a lot of them now have children of their own and never understand where they're coming from. While I don't want to have kids, I think I would at least be able to see their point of view more than a lot of parents I hear about can.

Writer's Block: Go it alone

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